we young.

the following is a passage from page 694 of david foster wallace's novel--and my current hobby--Infinite Jest. i'm genuinely not sure how much sense it will make without knowing the book, but i figured it was worth a try. someone may get something out of it. but if you don't know the context, don't read too much into the political aspects. i think this resounds with me largely because i currently live in a country where people rarely show emotion or sentiment (in my experience.) but i do think he also speaks to an american generation that i absolutely grew up in and am part of. but it may not be only in the US. it really makes me wonder about why, though. why do we--young, old, american, japanese, whoever--so fear ourselves?


"We enter a spiritual puberty where we snap to the fact that the great transcendent horror is loneliness, excluded encagement in the self. Once we've hit this age, we will now give or take anything, wear any mask, to fit, be part-of, not be Alone, we young. The U.S. arts are our guide to inclusion. A how-to. We are shown how to fashion masks of ennui and jaded irony at a young age where the face is fictile enough to assume the shape of whatever it wears. And then it's stuck there, the weary cynicism that saves us from gooey sentiment and unsophisticated naivete. Sentiment equals naivete on this continent...[and] naivete is the last true terrible sin in the theology of millennial America....[It's] about a myth, viz. that queerly persistent U.S. myth that cynicism and naivete are mutually exclusive. Hal, who's empty but not dumb, theorizes privately that what passes for hip cynical transcendence of sentiment is really some kind of fear of being really human, since to be really human (at least as he conceptualizes it) is probably to be unavoidably sentimental and naive and goo-prone and generally pathetic... One of the really American things about Hal, probably, is the way he despises what it is he's really lonely for: this hideous internal self, incontinent of sentiment and need, that pulls and writhes just under the hip empty mask, anhedonia."

the books you love.

Live for awhile in the books you love. Learn from them what is worth learning, but above all love them. This love will be returned to you a thousand times over. Whatever your life may become, these books—of this I am certain—will weave through the web of your unfolding. They will be among the strongest of all threads of your experiences, disappointments, and joys.

R.M. Rilke
Viareggio, April 5, 1903
Letters to a Young Poet

smiling.

i am still here.

i am thinking of the fading summer,
and the emerging fall.
i am thinking of distance
and solitude.
i am infinitely jesting
and foolishly investing
in cheap wine.
and i am thinking
about smiling.

kait


"Those who are beautiful—
who can keep them as they are?
Unceasingly in their faces
the life in them arises and goes forth.
Like dew from morning grass,
like steam from a plate of food,
what is ours goes out from us.

Where does a smile go, or the upward glance,
the sudden warm movement of the heart?
Yet that is what we are. Does the universe
we dissolve into
taste of us a little?"

'Where does a smile go?' by R.M. Rilke

funny japan.

here are some funny/interesting things i've seen in the past few weeks!


this one is a sign i saw in a train station. what is that man doing to that poor bird? and why does that girl want to watch??


then, last week, i worked at a summer camp for junior high kids wanting to learn english. it was really fun! and it was great to be closer to nature, but it was still quite a bit different the summer camp i experienced as a kid!


and the food was a bit different, too!


it leads, i will follow! this is a great, horrible english translation! (if you like this, you should check out engrish.com)


and then i saw these two ads next to each other the other day in tokyo and i found myself thinking, "even as a heterosexual woman, i have to say that i find the young samurai girls quite a bit sexier than the delicate, feminine men." maybe i've been here too long...



and finally, not all that funny, but really great:

this was a random spot in tokyo the other day. just one of the many little surprises in this incredible city.


and i finally got a guitar the other day! yay!!!!

t.t.m.m.h (things that make me happy)

- finally writing again about things that make me happy! it's been way too long.

- evening bike rides.

- raw tofu. it's cheap and cold and delicious.

- going to the local library and checking out the following books: player piano by kurt vonnegut (kind of on a vonnegut kick right now), rabbit at rest by john updike, macbeth by william shakespeare, tokyo sketches by pete hamil, and the penguin book of international short stories 1945-1985. i like a little variety (or randomness?).

- the privilege of having a nice apartment to come home to, a fan to sit in front of, and even an air conditioner to use if necessary, when it's this hot.

- finding myself thinking in japanese sometimes! finally!

- house plants. i know have 3! one is even about 2 months old! (i've never kept a plant alive that long before.)

- having the opportunity to be in such a dynamic country at such an interesting time in (its and world) history.

the smile project

the other day, after listening to a fantastic dharma talk by thich nhat hanh about the wonders of smiling, especially in the morning, i was in quite a smiley mood as i walked to the train station. and as i walked, meditating and smiling, i began to realize how alarmingly rare it is for me to see someone smiling while i’m on my commute. as i examined how freakish i felt smiling, i realized how rare it is to see people smiling in the stations, on the trains, on the streets, etc. of course, at work, i am saved by the laughter of children and some great co-workers. but on my commute and general comings-and-goings, it’s pretty rare.

so, upon noticing this, i decided to count. during my 1 hour commute to work that morning, i counted smiles. and the grand total? 4. not at me, just in general. 4 smiles. between the crowded trains and busy stations (including 1 transfer) i must have passed hundreds of people, without exaggeration. (and with my height, i have a pretty good range of vision in this country …). and i was able to count the numbers of smiles i saw on one hand. now, i know that most people commute by themselves and don’t necessarily have a lot of things to chuckle about. however, a simple smile is different. and compared to most of the places i’ve lived, this is really a change. even in chicago, strangers at least smile to each other when they both witness something crazy happening (which happens more often than not on the El). and of course, i’m not trying to say that all people here are unhappy or anything of the sort. i’m simply stating my findings.

at first, i was damn near despondent about this. i was honestly pretty upset. although there were probably some other factors playing in to it, the whole thing actually brought me to the brink of tears. it may sound a bit dramatic, but coming from chicago or especially sri lanka, where people (myself included, check pictures on fb for proof) seemed to be constantly smiling and/or laughing, this is a hard environment to adjust to. i truly believe it has dramatically affected my mood on a number of occasions, and so i’m quite happy that i realized it. but again, i was unsure what to “do about it,” if anything.

tonight, while i took an exhilirating bike ride at sunset, i found myself not only smiling but laughing uncontrollably. it was so beautiful that i simply couldn’t resist. and i started purposefully smiling at the few people i passed. some didn’t look at me (the norm, i’d say), some gave me a double-take like i was crazy (one guy actually tripped over his dog and almost caused us to crash! ha!), and some actually smiled back.

and during this ride, i decided that from now on, when i’m commuting (a solid 12 hours a week, at least), i am going to intentionally smile at people and try to get them to smile back at me. i’ll try not to be too creepy, but i’m going to actively go after smiles. luckily, unlike some places i’ve lived where doing this might very well get me slapped or hit on, i’m pretty sure the worst i’d get here is a dirty look—which i might actually prefer to being ignored.

so, this is my new project: the smile project. i don’t expect to change the world, but i figure that if i can make even one person smile, even if it’s after they walk away and are thinking, “i think that tall white girl might be crazy,” it’s worth it.

who’s with me?

daijobu desu. (it's okay.)

well, i’ve obviously been neglecting the blog for a while. i don’t really have internet at home, and when i get done at work, i generally like to go home to get as much sleep as possible. and then, of course, i went into one of those spirals where it just seems like there is too much to say to ever actually sit down and write. so, for now, i write to break the ice—it will most likely be random, and in bullet form. hopefully, more to come soon.


some general learnings:
--full-time jobs (especially with little kids (who don’t speak the same language as you)) are exhausting.
--summer in japan is hot.
--there are a lot of people in tokyo. not as many of them speak english as you might assume.
--learning japanese is hard (but fun).


things i’ve unexpectedly gotten comfortable with or better at since moving to japan 3 months ago:
--bagging groceries. they give you the bags, you do the work.
--sitting in tiny chairs at tiny tables. this might be more of a preschool teacher thing than a Japanese thing.
--controlling my facial expressions when i see girls in ridiculously short skirts in public
--reading on the train. commuting over 2 hours a day will help get over any motion sickness…
--going to sleep as soon as i get home at night. i used to need some ‘wind down time.’ no more. this might be more of a “first real full time job” thing.
--packing lunches. granted, this consists of putting a small container of tofu and some frozen veggies into a little Tupperware thing, but i’m making progress.
--doing laundry by hand.


things that seemed really difficult at first but are starting to get easier:
--navigation on the trains. i get really excited any time i don’t have to look up which trains to take to get somewhere in tokyo (which doesn’t happen often.) i also can’t believe i ever complained about having to transfer ONCE in chicago. one transfer is a blessing these days.
--japanese. it’s still hard, but i’m starting to really, really enjoy it. i started lessons a couple weeks ago, and i’m starting to really enjoy it. i only wish i had more time/energy during the week to spend with it. current favorite word: daijobu—“okay” or “alright”.


things that seemed really crazy at first and…still seem really crazy:
--beer vending machines. yes. vending machines on the street that sell beer. no ID necessary. i’m pretty sure that every time i pass one, i think of a new reason why they would be unthinkable in the US.
--the short skirts. a place where fetishes are definitely born.
--how quickly and deeply people sleep on the train! it’s amazing!


japanese people (total generalization, obviously) love them some:
--scrunchies
--umbrellas (rain or shine)
--packaging. it’s great that they always separate everything and recycle like crazy, but EVERYTHING here is wrapped in some type of plastic wrap. it’s a bit paradoxical, i think.
--socks/stockings—there are a lot of stores dedicated to nothing but these.
--salons. if i tried to count the number around where i live, it would be ridiculous. i walked with a friend to one last week, and in the building where her salon was and the one next to it, of 6 store spaces, 5 were salons. how they stay afloat, i have no idea.
--dorky white guys. now, i know a lot of really, really cool white guys here, but i’ve also met/seen some really dorky ones who have japanese girlfriends/wives that are…well…out of their league. i know that sounds horribly judgmental, and it is, but i can’t tell you how many times i’ve found myself thinking, “hm…japan. the place where dorky white guys go to find beautiful japanese girlfriends/wives…”


some deeper thoughts (in short bullet-point form.) if you’d like to discuss in more depth, let’s get coffee (in japan) or set up a skype date (anywhere else)!:
--living in a rich, affluent country is hard. i’d even say harder than in poor countries. ballsy statement, i know. but, i think it is so easy to get wrapped up in artificial things and start giving importance to things that simply aren’t important. i was beginning to really feel the same back in chicago recently. i could really go on for a while about this, so i’ll try to get the thoughts out for a later post.
--it’s difficult to live in a city of 30ish million people and not want to be creative. i have made some amazing friends and seen some amazing artists that really inspire me.
--i’ve been really thinking (and creating) a lot about the idea of beauty. it’s one of the things i often come back to when i’m traveling—ie, what are we culturally trained to find beautiful versus what is “true” beauty? does such a thing even exist?
--life as an immigrant, even a well-supported, well-paid, and highly educated one, is tough. and scary at times. i went for a routine physical to a hospital, WITH a friend/coworker there to translate, and i found it a little scary. i honestly can’t imagine what it must be like for so many people around the world living in a place where they don’t speak the language, have no one, have no education, no money, and are continually exploited. anyone who has any influence on immigration policy should really try it, i think.


ok, that’s all i got for now. thanks for reading. please have a dance party now in my honor, as thanks for checking in on me.