there’s so much i could and would love to write about. but for the sake of all our time, i will note some fun/important things:
--as i’ve been able to understand a bit more tamil, the word i’ve seemed to really come to know is ‘velakari’, which means ‘white lady.’ i hear it a lot. i hear it in random conversations of people around me. i hear it as the kids in the village by where i live yell it among shouts of laughter as i walk by. i hear it as i drive by other cars with the window down (usually a quick “…vvvvelakari!” and point as i pass). it’s also gotten fun because i know i’m being talked about and sometimes i can pick up enough of the rest to know what they’re saying. one day i was laying around with the kids and one of the girls said something and i waited a second and then said, “velakari ennay?” (what about the velakari?) they thought it was pretty hilarious. she claimed she was talking about some OTHER white lady. yea, i said, with all these white ladies around, of course you were talking about someone else… :) but at least most of the kids now know my name, so they don’t have to call me velakari. and in fact, the staff guy gets kind of pissed at them now if they call me it. ha.
--but instead of calling me kait or Kaitlin or katalin (or Helen, as they all called me at first), they have given me the tamil name “gowdi.” it is a hindu goddess, i guess, so i took it as a compliment. i kind of like it because they don’t struggle with it as much as they do my real name. so, i may be called one of about 5 different things by different people throughout my day (probably more, actually, that i don’t even understand. i’m sure there’s a tamil word for ‘she who has really great dance moves.’)
--still going with the white lady theme, i’ve been told a couple times now, especially by my closest friend here, the staff guy, that i look just like the girl in this recent tamil movie called ‘madrasa pattinam.’ so, he got the film for me and i watched it the other night (2 ½ hours, only about half in english! ugh.) it’s about a british girl (moi) who goes to the tamil state in India during the 40s, falls in love with a dark, donkey-herding native, learns the tamil culture, but has to return to England when India gets independence. she goes back to find her big strong Indian lover after 60 years, but she finds out he’s dead. so, she goes to his grave, and then she dies. it’s pretty depressing, really. and honestly, i don’t look that much like her, except that i’m white (the big connection for people here, i think) and i’m learning tamil culture—language, clothes, music, etc. i keep saying i want to make it back before 60 years, though. we decided my goal should be 7 years—before i turn 30.
--ok, one more thing about being white here (it just so happens that a lot of funny/notable things happen around this topic)—they are literally just unfamiliar with the whole idea of white skin. for instance, the other day, my friend asked me what happened to my leg, “you have red mark,” and pointed to a circle on my calf. “oh, that’s just because i was sitting with my legs crossed,” i explained. he kind of rolled his eyes as if i was lying and had actually inflicted this ‘wound’ on myself. “it is hard no?” he said, “that skin?” ha! i laughed out loud. he was referring to a few other incidents, like a couple days earlier when i had run into a door and scratched my shoulder (maybe i’m just a spazz). and mostly to a day a few weeks ago, when i thought it would be entertaining to show them that if i lightly scratched my name into my arm with my nail, it would show up for a while. well, i didn’t expect it to show up the rest of the day, and as we walked around the rest of the day, he kept showing it to people and saying something along the lines of ‘look what she did to herself!’ and looking at me like an annoyed, but not angry, father. ha. yes, it is hard, this skin that shows everything.
--ok, new topic—samaposha. it’s this weird dry mix you buy in a bag that contains only (literally, the ingredients list: ) corn, soya, rice, green gram, calcium, vitamin c and b12. (SL has a ban on genetically modified food, and it’s clear from ingredients lists that they hold to it. things are very simply made here—a lot of sugar often, but usually only a few basic ingredients) it’s meant to be a supplementary food of some sort. all they do is mix it with coconut, a little bit of sugar, and warm water to create these dough balls (not shwetty balls, mind you). they taste like whole grain coconut cookie dough. seriously, great. i love it. i eat it almost everyday (i think the housekeeper likes it because she doesn’t have to cook as much). i tried to explain to her that i think the major reason i like it is because of the cookie dough-like texture. i tried to explain, “in America, we make cookies…um…like biscuits (what they call cookies)! but when my amma (mom) and i made them, i was child, we would make only dough and eat dough! so samaposha makes me think of amma!” hahaha, i’m sure something got lost in the translation. or maybe some of their common questions about the American lifestyle were finally explained… haha.
--and just for good measure, i’ll mention that this morning, i set a new record for largest cockroach i’ve ever seen—in the kitchen no less. i’m going to say a good 2 inches, front to back. i tried to play it cool, but when it started scurrying towards me i got a little freaked out. don’t worry though. we both made it without incident.
well, with less than 3 weeks left in the country, my time here is winding down. i had planned to travel a bit in the end, but as i realize that that would mean leaving the people here (and spending money) i’m thinking i will probably just wait until a couple days before my flight to head over to Colombo. my goal now is to just be present here as much as possible, enjoying every smile, every ‘velakari,’ every cup of tea, every bite of samaposha, every draping arm as we lay in the sand, every “i think you no go to America. you stay sri lanka,” every “you go to America, i go too?”, and every sunset more unbelievable than the last (i have pictures to prove it, which will be posted someday).
thanks again for reading. i hope each of you is doing well and enjoying each moment in the peaceful awareness that it will never ever come again.
peace, love, and shakthi (energy) to you!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
vanakam!
Vanakam! Hello!
yes, yes, i’m still alive and well. the only internet access i have on a normal basis is on the blackberry (which hasn't been working as of late), so i can usually read emails and get on facebook, but that’s about it. i finally made one of the staff take me to an internet café by the office, so now i should have a little more availability. i’ll probably still only be able to use it once or twice a week, though. so if you’ve emailed and i haven’t responded, know that i definitely read it and will respond when possible!
it’s hard to put into words how well things are going here. yes, it’s hot. yes, there are little lizards and big cockroaches all around, but other than that, i’m loving it. i love the young people i get to work with. the staff is great. the culture can be challenging at times (i don’t mind eating with my hands, but the feeling of having my food under my fingernails is just not okay. call me ethnocentric if you must.) (also, it’s impossible to feel what our culture would consider “ladylike” or “polite” when you’re literally up to your palm in rice and curry—both elbows on the table because it’s the only way to get good leverage.) (and do they really think that rinsing their hands with a splash of water over a bowl before eating really “cleans” them? no. i think they know it doesn’t, and they don’t care. which i kind of like.) like i said, it can be challenging, but i’ve got the rest of my life to eat with forks and spoons, right? at least i’m starting love spicy food!
other cultural/universal/life things i’ve noticed/experienced:
--they drink their tea very sweet and with milk, which i love.
--like chile, i start every morning with a cup or two of Nescafe (instant coffee). i’m almost ashamed to say that i’m starting to like it. i’ll blame it on the memories attached.
--i’m realizing the vast differences that are possible in a culture where there really isn’t much influence from the western world (comparatively, i guess, to latin America.) that is, India is their US. so some small things that i would never consider being different are different here. usually with body language. for example, as opposed to nodding or shaking their head, people here move their heads side to side, as if they’re going to put their ear on their shoulder, although they don’t go that far. does that make sense? not front to back, like nodding, or swiveling, like shaking a head ‘no’, but side to side. and it usually means ‘ok’. but it looks so close to head shaking, that i often have to remind myself that they’re agreeing with me, or saying “yes”, and not “no.” another thing is movement of waving someone to come to you. that is, if we wanted someone to come over to us from across the room, we would turn our palm up and bring our fingers towards us. (commence the action now, for a visual.) but here, they (not always, of course, but some) face their palm down and fan their fingers, which just looks like a little wave to me. so, when i was in Colombo, trying to get my visa, the one guy in the process that seemed to actually like foreigners (quite a lot actually, especially the white females) was trying to wave me over and i just thought he was waving. so, hoping it would help my quest, i just smiled, batted my eyelashes, and waved back. he looked confused and waved a bit more emphatically and said, “America!” and i realized he was calling me over. ha. i went. he helped. more below.
--it’s kind of fun to start over in learning a new language. it’s challenging, but fun. i haven’t really tried on a new one since 7th grade, so it’s fun to remember the first steps. although, as i begin to actually try to talk a little bit in tamil, i find myself getting frustrated and not wanting to switch to English, but Spanish. like, my brain is already in ‘not english’ mode, so my default is Spanish. it’s kind of nice. i brought a really tough/great Spanish novel to read, but no dictionary. so, i read it out loud to practice, but don’t always know what’s going on (it’s magical realism, so the language is really tough and i’m not sure i would understand what was going on if it were in English…) here’s some tamil for you:
kali vanakam. epadi suhom? nan nalem. enedu payer Kaitlin. enedu vayadu iruvatimoonru. enedu nadu America. eneku amma, appa, moonru anenmahl, moonru anni, ehlu anenmagen, onru enenmagel.
((good morning. how’s it going? i’m doing well. my name is Kaitlin. i am 23 years old. i am from America. i have a mother, father, three older brothers, three older sisters in law, seven nephews and one niece.))
i’m also working on writing and reading it in the actual script. i can pretty much read it now, although i don’t know what i’m reading because my vocab is so small. but it helps with pronunciation to be able to read the words in the actual script. (no, mom, i don’t know the word for “quilter” yet. i suggest you google it.)
--some days, when i’m hanging out with the kids after lunch, they watch these hideous indian movies where the hero is always a guy that looks like ron Jeremy. as in, ALWAYS. he’s probably 40, kind of overweight, and with a big bushy dark mustache. i guess it’s what their president looks like too, so maybe it makes a little more sense. what’s more annoying in these movies is that any female in the movie is ALWAYS whimpering and crying. always. i have yet to see one do anything but cry and wait to be saved. no exaggeration. is it too much to ask for some mr. and mrs. smith-type action every once in a while? i wonder what an Indian version of michel gondry would be like…
--i also noticed that often during movies, the screen is blocked out due to gov’t regulations on tobacco and alcohol. any scene where someone is smoking or drinking is blocked out. can you imagine?
--the people are so beautiful here. seriously. and i’ve had to realize that just as i want to just sit and stare at them, they’re thinking the same about me. i’m so different, that they just want to stare and take everything in. and they do. unabashedly.
--there’s a reason why girls don’t pee standing up. enough said.
--this sign was in a bakery/tea shop: “we eliminate the business of cigarette. for you and your off springs.” if i had off springs, they would be very appreciative, i’m sure.
--bakeries!!! i’ve realized, having traveled a bit more, that bakeries are totally the thing here. very common and very good. sweet breads and spicy fried things abound.
--when i traveled to a more northern town for a few days with some of the staff, i felt very much like i was in ‘entourage: sri lankan Jesuit version’. there was the old Jesuit, to whom everyone catered, the driver, the manager, and the ‘heavy lifting’ guy. who was i? the groupie, i guess.
--the place we went, we stayed in a Jesuit residence and it was CRAZY how much the Jesuit scholastics reminded me of those i knew in Chicago. young, really intelligent, really witty, and very sweet. i only knew a few scholastics in Chicago, but they were SO much like these guys it was crazy. it was also nice because they all spoke really good English. and they talked about the world cup. they also watched it at night, but never invited me (probably because it was in their bedrooms). Jesuits are SUCH teases. some of you know what i’m talking about…
--like i mentioned, i went to Colombo a couple days ago to get my visa extended. it was crazy—although, interestingly enough, it had AC. i think they were deliberately trying to confuse me, send me in the wrong direction. after getting the application form, i found out that although you have to have a credit card, you can’t actually PAY with a credit card, so i had to go down to the atm, which only gives out up to $50 at a time, and all in ones. i needed at least $125 for the fee. needless to say, my money belt (which i was wearing to ensure that i looked very touristy and not at all NGO-y, was kind of bulging after the atm. probably not a great thing.) then, back up to the 4th floor, which they called the 3rd floor, to get my picture taken, and then be pointed in various wrong directions until i could find where i was actually supposed to go for each seemingly unnecessary step. luckily, there was one guy who was quite wonderful—clearly one of those people that loves foreigners, especially Americans. he kept referring to me as “america! America!” i’ll admit, i put my judgment aside and used it to my advantage. and luckily, he was the 2nd to last step in the process, so he kept trying to move along the other steps quicker to help me. it was pretty great. in the end, it only ended up taking an hour an a half to get the stamp, which is actually much less than chile, so that was surprising.
--while in the immigration office, there was a group of british students there, also trying to get visas or something. one girl was in a ridiculously low cut shirt, and i realized how accustomed i’ve grown to the more conservative dress here. granted, this amount of cleavage would have been uncomfortable in an office in the US too, but it was still really weird to see. i found myself cringing a bit, wanting to be sure everyone knew i was not with them.
--i think one of the reasons i most like hanging out with the kids i work with is that i can be totally silly with them, which is such a part of “me”. the male staff member at the center is also great. he’s a pretty young guy, and speaks really good English, so we goof around a lot. it’s good to have someone to feel funny with.
--i’ve only had 2 dance parties so far (that involved other people)—not nearly enough. but it was these two times that i think the kids really started to like me and feel comfortable with me, even if we often can’t really communicate. of course, the dancing is what brings us together…
--the books i’ve been reading (i’ve finished every one i brought at least once) have been surprisingly relevant. the first was david foster wallace’s ‘consider the lobster’—challenging, but really interesting insights on a lot of topics, especially language and meaning. next was ‘everything is illuminated’ by jonathan safran foer, which i read twice in a row—about an American in another country, about war, about atrocities and the way life ‘moves on,’ or doesn’t, afterwards. lastly was ‘you will know our velocity’ by dave eggars—about two Americans traveling, to “exotic” locations. they’re trying to give away money—interacting with the world—documenting the world around them.
--as i mentioned before, people are often not bashful about staring at me. at one place, the women all just sat down on a bench about 2 feet in front of me and stared at me. i know some of it is the fact that we can’t communicate with words, but it was pretty uncomfortable. then, as they sat there in their beautiful, colorful saris and wraps, they struggled to tell me that my plain blue button-up shirt from target was “very beautiful!”
--the reactions to my being from America have been really interesting as well—i’ve gotten “wow” or “my dream country!”—i’ve found that i want to react negatively, yell, “no! there is so much wrong there! so much materialism, consumerism, oppression, exploitation! we just make it look good! you only see movies and sit-coms! it’s not really like that!” but then, i think, ‘well, for me it kind of is. that country has been great to me. it’s offered me unthinkable freedoms, opportunities, and comforts. but if you were to go, 25-year-old, dark-skinned Kishan from SL, it would be much tougher. you would have to work 10x harder than me and would still probably never attain the same levels of comfort i have. no more 10-4 work days. no 2-hour lunch breaks. no morning and afternoon tea breaks. very little contact with your family in SL. and constant suspicion as to whether you are fully appreciative of the once-in-a-lifetime chance you were so graciously given to be in your ‘dream country’.” funny, isn’t it. i’m the one with nothing to complain about, yet want to so quickly and badly. and those who can and maybe should, don’t. or maybe can’t, as they’re busy working their 2-3 jobs. ( couldn’t have a blog post without at least a little jaded cynicism, right?)
--like i mentioned on facebook at one point, we passed elephants, lizards, monkeys, and cows on the highways, for which we annoyingly slowed down, but when we passed some good ol’ deer in town, we stopped the car, shouted, and stared in amazement. i laughed out loud.
--this was my 3rd July 4th out of the country in a row now. i wouldn’t have minded the fireworks in pilsen this year, but i’ve got all my life for fireworks, right?
--work does not start here until 10 am. when i’m in the office and i just try to start talking to the report writer before 10 am, she always interrupts me and says, ‘please, we wait until 10 am? half hour more?” i oblige.
it’s hard not to comment on the current political happenings, but i will try to refrain. read various news sources. use common sense to realize how ridiculous it is. it’s like a mother asking a child if his room is clean, and he says yes. when she says she wants to see the room, he goes on a HUNGER STRIKE and compares himself to ghandi to say how unfair it is. in this case, i think it’s not even that the child is afraid the mother will find out that he’s simply crammed everything from his room into the closet. i think he knows she’ll see that it’s not clean at all. it’s a complete mess and will probably continue to get worse. if you have specific comments/questions, feel free to email me.
ok, that is all for now! that should last for a while, no?
please take care, keep sending me updates and being patient when i don’t respond for a while.
love and peace and really great dance moves to you all,
kait
ps-since internet is increasingly precarious, please email me at both kaitlinrae@gmail.com and kklipsch@heartlandalliance.org, as i can usually only check one or the other...
yes, yes, i’m still alive and well. the only internet access i have on a normal basis is on the blackberry (which hasn't been working as of late), so i can usually read emails and get on facebook, but that’s about it. i finally made one of the staff take me to an internet café by the office, so now i should have a little more availability. i’ll probably still only be able to use it once or twice a week, though. so if you’ve emailed and i haven’t responded, know that i definitely read it and will respond when possible!
it’s hard to put into words how well things are going here. yes, it’s hot. yes, there are little lizards and big cockroaches all around, but other than that, i’m loving it. i love the young people i get to work with. the staff is great. the culture can be challenging at times (i don’t mind eating with my hands, but the feeling of having my food under my fingernails is just not okay. call me ethnocentric if you must.) (also, it’s impossible to feel what our culture would consider “ladylike” or “polite” when you’re literally up to your palm in rice and curry—both elbows on the table because it’s the only way to get good leverage.) (and do they really think that rinsing their hands with a splash of water over a bowl before eating really “cleans” them? no. i think they know it doesn’t, and they don’t care. which i kind of like.) like i said, it can be challenging, but i’ve got the rest of my life to eat with forks and spoons, right? at least i’m starting love spicy food!
other cultural/universal/life things i’ve noticed/experienced:
--they drink their tea very sweet and with milk, which i love.
--like chile, i start every morning with a cup or two of Nescafe (instant coffee). i’m almost ashamed to say that i’m starting to like it. i’ll blame it on the memories attached.
--i’m realizing the vast differences that are possible in a culture where there really isn’t much influence from the western world (comparatively, i guess, to latin America.) that is, India is their US. so some small things that i would never consider being different are different here. usually with body language. for example, as opposed to nodding or shaking their head, people here move their heads side to side, as if they’re going to put their ear on their shoulder, although they don’t go that far. does that make sense? not front to back, like nodding, or swiveling, like shaking a head ‘no’, but side to side. and it usually means ‘ok’. but it looks so close to head shaking, that i often have to remind myself that they’re agreeing with me, or saying “yes”, and not “no.” another thing is movement of waving someone to come to you. that is, if we wanted someone to come over to us from across the room, we would turn our palm up and bring our fingers towards us. (commence the action now, for a visual.) but here, they (not always, of course, but some) face their palm down and fan their fingers, which just looks like a little wave to me. so, when i was in Colombo, trying to get my visa, the one guy in the process that seemed to actually like foreigners (quite a lot actually, especially the white females) was trying to wave me over and i just thought he was waving. so, hoping it would help my quest, i just smiled, batted my eyelashes, and waved back. he looked confused and waved a bit more emphatically and said, “America!” and i realized he was calling me over. ha. i went. he helped. more below.
--it’s kind of fun to start over in learning a new language. it’s challenging, but fun. i haven’t really tried on a new one since 7th grade, so it’s fun to remember the first steps. although, as i begin to actually try to talk a little bit in tamil, i find myself getting frustrated and not wanting to switch to English, but Spanish. like, my brain is already in ‘not english’ mode, so my default is Spanish. it’s kind of nice. i brought a really tough/great Spanish novel to read, but no dictionary. so, i read it out loud to practice, but don’t always know what’s going on (it’s magical realism, so the language is really tough and i’m not sure i would understand what was going on if it were in English…) here’s some tamil for you:
kali vanakam. epadi suhom? nan nalem. enedu payer Kaitlin. enedu vayadu iruvatimoonru. enedu nadu America. eneku amma, appa, moonru anenmahl, moonru anni, ehlu anenmagen, onru enenmagel.
((good morning. how’s it going? i’m doing well. my name is Kaitlin. i am 23 years old. i am from America. i have a mother, father, three older brothers, three older sisters in law, seven nephews and one niece.))
i’m also working on writing and reading it in the actual script. i can pretty much read it now, although i don’t know what i’m reading because my vocab is so small. but it helps with pronunciation to be able to read the words in the actual script. (no, mom, i don’t know the word for “quilter” yet. i suggest you google it.)
--some days, when i’m hanging out with the kids after lunch, they watch these hideous indian movies where the hero is always a guy that looks like ron Jeremy. as in, ALWAYS. he’s probably 40, kind of overweight, and with a big bushy dark mustache. i guess it’s what their president looks like too, so maybe it makes a little more sense. what’s more annoying in these movies is that any female in the movie is ALWAYS whimpering and crying. always. i have yet to see one do anything but cry and wait to be saved. no exaggeration. is it too much to ask for some mr. and mrs. smith-type action every once in a while? i wonder what an Indian version of michel gondry would be like…
--i also noticed that often during movies, the screen is blocked out due to gov’t regulations on tobacco and alcohol. any scene where someone is smoking or drinking is blocked out. can you imagine?
--the people are so beautiful here. seriously. and i’ve had to realize that just as i want to just sit and stare at them, they’re thinking the same about me. i’m so different, that they just want to stare and take everything in. and they do. unabashedly.
--there’s a reason why girls don’t pee standing up. enough said.
--this sign was in a bakery/tea shop: “we eliminate the business of cigarette. for you and your off springs.” if i had off springs, they would be very appreciative, i’m sure.
--bakeries!!! i’ve realized, having traveled a bit more, that bakeries are totally the thing here. very common and very good. sweet breads and spicy fried things abound.
--when i traveled to a more northern town for a few days with some of the staff, i felt very much like i was in ‘entourage: sri lankan Jesuit version’. there was the old Jesuit, to whom everyone catered, the driver, the manager, and the ‘heavy lifting’ guy. who was i? the groupie, i guess.
--the place we went, we stayed in a Jesuit residence and it was CRAZY how much the Jesuit scholastics reminded me of those i knew in Chicago. young, really intelligent, really witty, and very sweet. i only knew a few scholastics in Chicago, but they were SO much like these guys it was crazy. it was also nice because they all spoke really good English. and they talked about the world cup. they also watched it at night, but never invited me (probably because it was in their bedrooms). Jesuits are SUCH teases. some of you know what i’m talking about…
--like i mentioned, i went to Colombo a couple days ago to get my visa extended. it was crazy—although, interestingly enough, it had AC. i think they were deliberately trying to confuse me, send me in the wrong direction. after getting the application form, i found out that although you have to have a credit card, you can’t actually PAY with a credit card, so i had to go down to the atm, which only gives out up to $50 at a time, and all in ones. i needed at least $125 for the fee. needless to say, my money belt (which i was wearing to ensure that i looked very touristy and not at all NGO-y, was kind of bulging after the atm. probably not a great thing.) then, back up to the 4th floor, which they called the 3rd floor, to get my picture taken, and then be pointed in various wrong directions until i could find where i was actually supposed to go for each seemingly unnecessary step. luckily, there was one guy who was quite wonderful—clearly one of those people that loves foreigners, especially Americans. he kept referring to me as “america! America!” i’ll admit, i put my judgment aside and used it to my advantage. and luckily, he was the 2nd to last step in the process, so he kept trying to move along the other steps quicker to help me. it was pretty great. in the end, it only ended up taking an hour an a half to get the stamp, which is actually much less than chile, so that was surprising.
--while in the immigration office, there was a group of british students there, also trying to get visas or something. one girl was in a ridiculously low cut shirt, and i realized how accustomed i’ve grown to the more conservative dress here. granted, this amount of cleavage would have been uncomfortable in an office in the US too, but it was still really weird to see. i found myself cringing a bit, wanting to be sure everyone knew i was not with them.
--i think one of the reasons i most like hanging out with the kids i work with is that i can be totally silly with them, which is such a part of “me”. the male staff member at the center is also great. he’s a pretty young guy, and speaks really good English, so we goof around a lot. it’s good to have someone to feel funny with.
--i’ve only had 2 dance parties so far (that involved other people)—not nearly enough. but it was these two times that i think the kids really started to like me and feel comfortable with me, even if we often can’t really communicate. of course, the dancing is what brings us together…
--the books i’ve been reading (i’ve finished every one i brought at least once) have been surprisingly relevant. the first was david foster wallace’s ‘consider the lobster’—challenging, but really interesting insights on a lot of topics, especially language and meaning. next was ‘everything is illuminated’ by jonathan safran foer, which i read twice in a row—about an American in another country, about war, about atrocities and the way life ‘moves on,’ or doesn’t, afterwards. lastly was ‘you will know our velocity’ by dave eggars—about two Americans traveling, to “exotic” locations. they’re trying to give away money—interacting with the world—documenting the world around them.
--as i mentioned before, people are often not bashful about staring at me. at one place, the women all just sat down on a bench about 2 feet in front of me and stared at me. i know some of it is the fact that we can’t communicate with words, but it was pretty uncomfortable. then, as they sat there in their beautiful, colorful saris and wraps, they struggled to tell me that my plain blue button-up shirt from target was “very beautiful!”
--the reactions to my being from America have been really interesting as well—i’ve gotten “wow” or “my dream country!”—i’ve found that i want to react negatively, yell, “no! there is so much wrong there! so much materialism, consumerism, oppression, exploitation! we just make it look good! you only see movies and sit-coms! it’s not really like that!” but then, i think, ‘well, for me it kind of is. that country has been great to me. it’s offered me unthinkable freedoms, opportunities, and comforts. but if you were to go, 25-year-old, dark-skinned Kishan from SL, it would be much tougher. you would have to work 10x harder than me and would still probably never attain the same levels of comfort i have. no more 10-4 work days. no 2-hour lunch breaks. no morning and afternoon tea breaks. very little contact with your family in SL. and constant suspicion as to whether you are fully appreciative of the once-in-a-lifetime chance you were so graciously given to be in your ‘dream country’.” funny, isn’t it. i’m the one with nothing to complain about, yet want to so quickly and badly. and those who can and maybe should, don’t. or maybe can’t, as they’re busy working their 2-3 jobs. ( couldn’t have a blog post without at least a little jaded cynicism, right?)
--like i mentioned on facebook at one point, we passed elephants, lizards, monkeys, and cows on the highways, for which we annoyingly slowed down, but when we passed some good ol’ deer in town, we stopped the car, shouted, and stared in amazement. i laughed out loud.
--this was my 3rd July 4th out of the country in a row now. i wouldn’t have minded the fireworks in pilsen this year, but i’ve got all my life for fireworks, right?
--work does not start here until 10 am. when i’m in the office and i just try to start talking to the report writer before 10 am, she always interrupts me and says, ‘please, we wait until 10 am? half hour more?” i oblige.
it’s hard not to comment on the current political happenings, but i will try to refrain. read various news sources. use common sense to realize how ridiculous it is. it’s like a mother asking a child if his room is clean, and he says yes. when she says she wants to see the room, he goes on a HUNGER STRIKE and compares himself to ghandi to say how unfair it is. in this case, i think it’s not even that the child is afraid the mother will find out that he’s simply crammed everything from his room into the closet. i think he knows she’ll see that it’s not clean at all. it’s a complete mess and will probably continue to get worse. if you have specific comments/questions, feel free to email me.
ok, that is all for now! that should last for a while, no?
please take care, keep sending me updates and being patient when i don’t respond for a while.
love and peace and really great dance moves to you all,
kait
ps-since internet is increasingly precarious, please email me at both kaitlinrae@gmail.com and kklipsch@heartlandalliance.org, as i can usually only check one or the other...
Friday, June 18, 2010
lizard check!
varakam! (hello!)
i'm here! i'm happy! i'm writing this on a dial-up connection! (did you even know those still existed?) so, i don't have much time because life's too short to wait for these websites to load!
today i had one of those days where you end it thinking, "i could do that every day for the rest of my life and be completely happy." i awoke with the sunrise (schedule's still a little off from traveling), did some morning yoga and dancing, peaceful breakfast, and then ALL DAY with the young people in the program here. i started by going to the hindu temple, where the girls led me around the weekly rituals. back at the residence, i played a checkers type game with the boys, then sang and danced and played drums with them. then, i had a tamil lesson with the girls (i'm up to about 5 words now--thank you, mother, father, sister, brother--and i did learn how to write my name, Frank, and Terre in Tamil!). after that was lunch, and then a couple of hours of horribly cheesy indian movies with the girls. we always seemed to laugh at opposite times...the afternoon/evening was volleyball (the ball was like a rock, causing me to try to undo nearly 10 years of playing and try to hit it only with my fists...). i can't tell you how wonderful the day was. to be honest, after a couple days in the craaaaaziness and chaos of colombo when i first arrived, i was a bit worried about my time here. i really wasn't a fan. i'll try to write more about that when i have time and accessibility. but since i've left colombo and settled in here, things have been wonderful.
a few firsts of the last few days:
--having to give the toilet seat a little kick before sitting down to make sure there aren't any lizards underneath (their loss if they are, i guess.) my first night, one of the few times i got up to go to the bathroom in the night, i flipped on the light and saw a small lizard chilling in the bowl of the toilet. 'it's cool,' i thought, 'there's another bathroom right here. i'll just go in there.' i kid you not, i switched on the light in the other bathroom and saw another little lizard scurry behind the toilet on the wall. hopefully no one else in the building heard me yell out, "son of a bitch!"
--being in a hindu temple
--petting a baby elephant
--eating a mango straight off the mango tree in the yard
--drinking from a coconut and then eating the inside
--eating rice with my hands! (here, they eat their meals with the right hand--everything! it's actually more difficult than you might think. they usually bring out silverware for guests, but when i'm eating with someone else, i do my best to do whatever they're doing.)
that is just a taste of some of the highlights. thanks for reading! and thanks for all the emails i've recieved already! even if i don't respond (which i probably won't considering my limited access), i LOVE getting them! i'll try to write more and maybe even post a couple pictures if i ever get internet on my computer.
love to all!
i'm here! i'm happy! i'm writing this on a dial-up connection! (did you even know those still existed?) so, i don't have much time because life's too short to wait for these websites to load!
today i had one of those days where you end it thinking, "i could do that every day for the rest of my life and be completely happy." i awoke with the sunrise (schedule's still a little off from traveling), did some morning yoga and dancing, peaceful breakfast, and then ALL DAY with the young people in the program here. i started by going to the hindu temple, where the girls led me around the weekly rituals. back at the residence, i played a checkers type game with the boys, then sang and danced and played drums with them. then, i had a tamil lesson with the girls (i'm up to about 5 words now--thank you, mother, father, sister, brother--and i did learn how to write my name, Frank, and Terre in Tamil!). after that was lunch, and then a couple of hours of horribly cheesy indian movies with the girls. we always seemed to laugh at opposite times...the afternoon/evening was volleyball (the ball was like a rock, causing me to try to undo nearly 10 years of playing and try to hit it only with my fists...). i can't tell you how wonderful the day was. to be honest, after a couple days in the craaaaaziness and chaos of colombo when i first arrived, i was a bit worried about my time here. i really wasn't a fan. i'll try to write more about that when i have time and accessibility. but since i've left colombo and settled in here, things have been wonderful.
a few firsts of the last few days:
--having to give the toilet seat a little kick before sitting down to make sure there aren't any lizards underneath (their loss if they are, i guess.) my first night, one of the few times i got up to go to the bathroom in the night, i flipped on the light and saw a small lizard chilling in the bowl of the toilet. 'it's cool,' i thought, 'there's another bathroom right here. i'll just go in there.' i kid you not, i switched on the light in the other bathroom and saw another little lizard scurry behind the toilet on the wall. hopefully no one else in the building heard me yell out, "son of a bitch!"
--being in a hindu temple
--petting a baby elephant
--eating a mango straight off the mango tree in the yard
--drinking from a coconut and then eating the inside
--eating rice with my hands! (here, they eat their meals with the right hand--everything! it's actually more difficult than you might think. they usually bring out silverware for guests, but when i'm eating with someone else, i do my best to do whatever they're doing.)
that is just a taste of some of the highlights. thanks for reading! and thanks for all the emails i've recieved already! even if i don't respond (which i probably won't considering my limited access), i LOVE getting them! i'll try to write more and maybe even post a couple pictures if i ever get internet on my computer.
love to all!
Friday, June 11, 2010
disappointment comes from expectations, while peace comes from taking one moment at a time
this title is an idea i have studied and thought about a lot over the past six months or so. and even more so over the past few weeks as i prepared for this summertime adventure. when i (i can speak only for myself) take the time to really think about it, i think it makes a lot of sense. only when we are expecting something very specific can we be disappointed that it doesn't turn out that way. however, if we choose to take each moment as it comes and to (try to) be fully present in those moments, we cannot be disappointed by a future to which we have not attached expectations.
as i prepare to leave tomorrow, i recognize that of course i have certain expectations for the summer. i expect to be hot. i expect to learn a lot. i expect to be challenged in many ways. and i expect to be really, really hot. but beyond that, i'm trying not to be too specific. rather than be in a state in which i'm constantly evaluating how things are different than what i expected, i hope to be constantly evaluating how things are beautiful, new, ancient, terrifying, life-giving, challenging, and part of a part of me that i have never known and yet known forever.
but, of course, i do expect to learn some new dance moves.
i will try to post when i can. thank you for reading. and please be in touch!
love and peace to you and yours and all.
as i prepare to leave tomorrow, i recognize that of course i have certain expectations for the summer. i expect to be hot. i expect to learn a lot. i expect to be challenged in many ways. and i expect to be really, really hot. but beyond that, i'm trying not to be too specific. rather than be in a state in which i'm constantly evaluating how things are different than what i expected, i hope to be constantly evaluating how things are beautiful, new, ancient, terrifying, life-giving, challenging, and part of a part of me that i have never known and yet known forever.
but, of course, i do expect to learn some new dance moves.
i will try to post when i can. thank you for reading. and please be in touch!
love and peace to you and yours and all.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
it's what i love.
after a very quick application and interview process and then a pretty agonizing 2 weeks of waiting to hear, a couple days ago i was officially offered a position for the summer months in Sri Lanka!!! i will be working for/with a really amazing international ngo (non-governmental organization) based out of chicago.
i still don't have too much information, but i have a tentative departure date of june 12th and i am incredibly excited. it will be an invaluable experience, and i will undoubtedly learn more than i can imagine--about myself, the world, and the mixture there-of.
hopefully i will have a chance to blog/email every once in a while. but if not, i'm sure i'll have plenty to share when i return in the end of august.
i'll post if/when i know more, but i wanted to make sure to put the word out there, so people that want to know, do! i hope to see you before i leave! i can't make any definitive promises, but call or email if you're around or if you have any other questions.
love and peace to you!
oh, and if you don't already know the musician m.i.a., she's sri lankan and amazing! so check her out HERE and have a dance party for me!
i still don't have too much information, but i have a tentative departure date of june 12th and i am incredibly excited. it will be an invaluable experience, and i will undoubtedly learn more than i can imagine--about myself, the world, and the mixture there-of.
hopefully i will have a chance to blog/email every once in a while. but if not, i'm sure i'll have plenty to share when i return in the end of august.
i'll post if/when i know more, but i wanted to make sure to put the word out there, so people that want to know, do! i hope to see you before i leave! i can't make any definitive promises, but call or email if you're around or if you have any other questions.
love and peace to you!
oh, and if you don't already know the musician m.i.a., she's sri lankan and amazing! so check her out HERE and have a dance party for me!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
i haven't been writing much lately, not only for the blog, but just in general. but this weekend, i graduated again. i finished grad school and in an effort to explore and document some of the things i'm thinking and feeling and wondering, i was able to get myself to write for a while tonight. as sometimes happens, it came out as a short dialogue. the writing's not great, but it means a lot to me. and as i read it over after, it reminded me of something i wrote about year ago. the format is the same, but the emotions and philosophies expressed are not, really.
although i'm not one to post creative writing on the blog, i feel compelled to do so for some reason. i would doubt that these short writings would mean anything to anyone else, so i'm not sure i care if anyone actually sees them or reads them. nonetheless, i feel like posting them. to me, they exemplify huge changes and prevailing insecurities. the first, titled dialogue #1, was written about a year ago, in march of 2009, as i was coming to the close of my undergraduate education and weighing my final decisions about grad school and other future plans. the second, dialogue #2, written completely separately of course, was written tonight, the night after graduating with my social work degree and facing a whole other world of uncertainty.
dialogue #1
“Why do you think I’m here?” she asked quickly with a voice attempting calm restraint, poorly masking the intensity with which she wanted an answer. She quickly moved her hand toward her face to take another drag of her cigarette, the other arm still folded tightly around her chest.
“I don’t know,” he said quietly.
“What do you need from me?”
“Nothing,” he whispered.
“But look at you!” Her voice was beginning to betray her. “You’re a mess! There’s almost nothing left of you! What do you mean ‘nothing?’” She was beginning to feel as if emotion, any emotion, only had one way to express itself. Perhaps any intense feeling, by the time it had forced its way through the psyche from wherever it began and reached the level of communication, could only express itself through this choppy language varying widely in volume and sentence length. Or perhaps she only ever felt one emotion anymore.
“What do you think you can do for me?” he offered. It seemed that while her voice was growing more intense, his was fading. It seemed further away to her. In reality, it did not change.
“Well, there obviously must be something I can do. That’s why I’m here, right? That’s what the point is? Look at you. And then look at me. There’s a reason we’re like this.”
“What do you think that reason is?”
“I don’t know! Why do you think I would know? If I did know, would I be asking you? This isn’t something you would know any better than me. But, does anybody really know? I mean, who should I ask? What should I read? People have ideas, I know, but I’ve never really bought those. How do they know so confidently? They can tell the whole world, but do they do it themselves? No way. They just end up as more fucking hypocrites.”
“You seem upset.”
“Of course I’m upset! I’m here, right? If I didn’t care, if it didn’t upset me, I wouldn’t be here!” A surprisingly comfortable, almost relief-bringing silence passed. “Sometimes I think that would be easier.” Her voice was moving into a more somber tone.
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t know. And I wish I did. It just seems right, you know? Like I should, because…I should. Because that’s the point of it all.”
“The point of what all?”
“Of this! Of why we’re here. Why you’re like that and I’m like this.”
“Is it about me? Or you?”
“It’s both. I think. I mean, there’s a reason we are the way we are, right? And I should do something, right? Right? It’s just…right.”
“Say’s who?”
“I don’t know,” she murmured with frustration. “I don’t know anymore. I’m not sure I ever knew.”
“What if you never know?”
“Is it possible? I’m not sure I’d make it. How would I know what to do? What should I do?”
“Listen.”
“To who? How will I know what’s right?”
“Listen.”
“To who?” Her varying levels of volume continued as she nearly shouted.
“Listen.”
dialogue #2
“what are you thinking about?” she asked sweetly, in a way that revealed genuine curiosity, and only a slight sense of naiveté.
“i don’t know,” she answered, in a way that revealed nothing.
a comfortable silence passed.
“well, that can’t be true, right? i mean, you must have been thinking about something, even if it was nothing. and you’re the only who would really know if it was something or nothing, or if the something was nothing, right?”
“i don’t know,” she repeated. “what are you thinking about?”
“i’m thinking about that movie i saw last week. it was so crazy violent, almost in a desensitizing way, you know? it really affected me. i’ve been having trouble sleeping, actually.”
“wow, really?” she asked sincerely.
“yeah. and it really made me think about all the violence in this city lately, too. and i just wonder how stuff like that is related, you know? and of course, i think about my students, and the situations they have to grow up in—the shit they have to see. it just seems like so much. they’re so young and already have so much to deal with. and on top of it all they have to worry about whether or not they’re going to make it to school and home again without being shot or beaten. and then they might have to take care of a parent or grandparent who is naturally or chemically ill. and they might not have a dinner to eat. and then they go to bed, knowing that they’ll wake up tomorrow and brave it again to go to a school that will almost assuredly leave them unprepared to achieve a basic level of living security in the future without putting forth an unbelievable level of effort--way more effort than i ever had to exert at their age. maybe more than i ever will. and at the same time, they know that just one misstep will make them a statistic, like everyone expects them to be, like most of the people around them will be. it just doesn’t seem fair, you know? it just doesn’t seem right.”
“wow. that’s a lot to be thinking about.”
another comfortable silence passed.
“now do you know what you’re thinking about?”
“that young girl that was sitting across from us on the train. did you notice her?”
“no. what about her?”
“she was sitting cross-legged next to a man who was probably her dad. she couldn’t have been more than 8, but was probably closer to 6. her hands were folded in her lap, and her thick, wavy brown hair was hanging just to the tops of her shoulders. she was cute, but without any really distinguishing features. she seemed a bit tired. and as i looked across at her, she smiled a very gentle smile. she slowly turned the edges of her mouth up, softened her eyes, and then inhaled and exhaled deeply. there was something about it that just made me feel so safe and peaceful. it was like she saw into me and said, ‘it’s okay. it’s going to be okay.’ and i believed her, you know? like, for a moment, we weren’t strangers on a train in the city, but we were everything—the two pieces of the whole, that have been friends and sisters forever. it was as if i had glimpsed the wisest being in the world in the smile of this little girl. and i thought about how sometimes i feel so unknown by the people around me, the people who seem to know me the best. and sometimes, which is scarier—terrifying to be honest--i feel like a complete stranger to myself. and yet in that moment i felt completely known and understood. and completely safe. and i knew that she wasn’t a stranger at all.”
“that’s a lot to be thinking about too.”
“yeah, and it just made me think about how rare those moments are and what that means. and if they can be manufactured. and if i can ever really know myself the way that girl knew me in that moment. and what it means if i know i can’t. and what it means if i don’t know.”
more silence passed, although it’s unclear for how long.
“so, what are you going to do?” she asked.
“what do you mean?”
“well, if you’re wondering what that moment means, what have you decided? what does it mean and what will you do about it? will you keep thinking about it? will you manufacture more? will you think about my students and the movie and the violence?”
“i guess i’ll just keep asking you what you’re thinking. i’ll keep trying to know you. and when those moments come i can rest in them. and maybe someday, when i’ve asked enough and i’ve seen enough, it won’t be so terrifying anymore. maybe then i can just be.”
although i'm not one to post creative writing on the blog, i feel compelled to do so for some reason. i would doubt that these short writings would mean anything to anyone else, so i'm not sure i care if anyone actually sees them or reads them. nonetheless, i feel like posting them. to me, they exemplify huge changes and prevailing insecurities. the first, titled dialogue #1, was written about a year ago, in march of 2009, as i was coming to the close of my undergraduate education and weighing my final decisions about grad school and other future plans. the second, dialogue #2, written completely separately of course, was written tonight, the night after graduating with my social work degree and facing a whole other world of uncertainty.
dialogue #1
“Why do you think I’m here?” she asked quickly with a voice attempting calm restraint, poorly masking the intensity with which she wanted an answer. She quickly moved her hand toward her face to take another drag of her cigarette, the other arm still folded tightly around her chest.
“I don’t know,” he said quietly.
“What do you need from me?”
“Nothing,” he whispered.
“But look at you!” Her voice was beginning to betray her. “You’re a mess! There’s almost nothing left of you! What do you mean ‘nothing?’” She was beginning to feel as if emotion, any emotion, only had one way to express itself. Perhaps any intense feeling, by the time it had forced its way through the psyche from wherever it began and reached the level of communication, could only express itself through this choppy language varying widely in volume and sentence length. Or perhaps she only ever felt one emotion anymore.
“What do you think you can do for me?” he offered. It seemed that while her voice was growing more intense, his was fading. It seemed further away to her. In reality, it did not change.
“Well, there obviously must be something I can do. That’s why I’m here, right? That’s what the point is? Look at you. And then look at me. There’s a reason we’re like this.”
“What do you think that reason is?”
“I don’t know! Why do you think I would know? If I did know, would I be asking you? This isn’t something you would know any better than me. But, does anybody really know? I mean, who should I ask? What should I read? People have ideas, I know, but I’ve never really bought those. How do they know so confidently? They can tell the whole world, but do they do it themselves? No way. They just end up as more fucking hypocrites.”
“You seem upset.”
“Of course I’m upset! I’m here, right? If I didn’t care, if it didn’t upset me, I wouldn’t be here!” A surprisingly comfortable, almost relief-bringing silence passed. “Sometimes I think that would be easier.” Her voice was moving into a more somber tone.
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t know. And I wish I did. It just seems right, you know? Like I should, because…I should. Because that’s the point of it all.”
“The point of what all?”
“Of this! Of why we’re here. Why you’re like that and I’m like this.”
“Is it about me? Or you?”
“It’s both. I think. I mean, there’s a reason we are the way we are, right? And I should do something, right? Right? It’s just…right.”
“Say’s who?”
“I don’t know,” she murmured with frustration. “I don’t know anymore. I’m not sure I ever knew.”
“What if you never know?”
“Is it possible? I’m not sure I’d make it. How would I know what to do? What should I do?”
“Listen.”
“To who? How will I know what’s right?”
“Listen.”
“To who?” Her varying levels of volume continued as she nearly shouted.
“Listen.”
dialogue #2
“what are you thinking about?” she asked sweetly, in a way that revealed genuine curiosity, and only a slight sense of naiveté.
“i don’t know,” she answered, in a way that revealed nothing.
a comfortable silence passed.
“well, that can’t be true, right? i mean, you must have been thinking about something, even if it was nothing. and you’re the only who would really know if it was something or nothing, or if the something was nothing, right?”
“i don’t know,” she repeated. “what are you thinking about?”
“i’m thinking about that movie i saw last week. it was so crazy violent, almost in a desensitizing way, you know? it really affected me. i’ve been having trouble sleeping, actually.”
“wow, really?” she asked sincerely.
“yeah. and it really made me think about all the violence in this city lately, too. and i just wonder how stuff like that is related, you know? and of course, i think about my students, and the situations they have to grow up in—the shit they have to see. it just seems like so much. they’re so young and already have so much to deal with. and on top of it all they have to worry about whether or not they’re going to make it to school and home again without being shot or beaten. and then they might have to take care of a parent or grandparent who is naturally or chemically ill. and they might not have a dinner to eat. and then they go to bed, knowing that they’ll wake up tomorrow and brave it again to go to a school that will almost assuredly leave them unprepared to achieve a basic level of living security in the future without putting forth an unbelievable level of effort--way more effort than i ever had to exert at their age. maybe more than i ever will. and at the same time, they know that just one misstep will make them a statistic, like everyone expects them to be, like most of the people around them will be. it just doesn’t seem fair, you know? it just doesn’t seem right.”
“wow. that’s a lot to be thinking about.”
another comfortable silence passed.
“now do you know what you’re thinking about?”
“that young girl that was sitting across from us on the train. did you notice her?”
“no. what about her?”
“she was sitting cross-legged next to a man who was probably her dad. she couldn’t have been more than 8, but was probably closer to 6. her hands were folded in her lap, and her thick, wavy brown hair was hanging just to the tops of her shoulders. she was cute, but without any really distinguishing features. she seemed a bit tired. and as i looked across at her, she smiled a very gentle smile. she slowly turned the edges of her mouth up, softened her eyes, and then inhaled and exhaled deeply. there was something about it that just made me feel so safe and peaceful. it was like she saw into me and said, ‘it’s okay. it’s going to be okay.’ and i believed her, you know? like, for a moment, we weren’t strangers on a train in the city, but we were everything—the two pieces of the whole, that have been friends and sisters forever. it was as if i had glimpsed the wisest being in the world in the smile of this little girl. and i thought about how sometimes i feel so unknown by the people around me, the people who seem to know me the best. and sometimes, which is scarier—terrifying to be honest--i feel like a complete stranger to myself. and yet in that moment i felt completely known and understood. and completely safe. and i knew that she wasn’t a stranger at all.”
“that’s a lot to be thinking about too.”
“yeah, and it just made me think about how rare those moments are and what that means. and if they can be manufactured. and if i can ever really know myself the way that girl knew me in that moment. and what it means if i know i can’t. and what it means if i don’t know.”
more silence passed, although it’s unclear for how long.
“so, what are you going to do?” she asked.
“what do you mean?”
“well, if you’re wondering what that moment means, what have you decided? what does it mean and what will you do about it? will you keep thinking about it? will you manufacture more? will you think about my students and the movie and the violence?”
“i guess i’ll just keep asking you what you’re thinking. i’ll keep trying to know you. and when those moments come i can rest in them. and maybe someday, when i’ve asked enough and i’ve seen enough, it won’t be so terrifying anymore. maybe then i can just be.”
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