a move

hello friends and readers. i just want to let you all know that i have moved. i will now be posting my thoughts, stories, and mostly things i find interesting at: http://tragicsadchaoticandlovely.tumblr.com/ hope to see you there! thanks.

"Near-Death Experience"

Today, I stopped
to lie beneath the cherry blossoms.
Really, I should say
‘between’ them.
I gazed upward
at the white and pink petals
coating dark branches in their beauty,
while those petals dearly-departed
provided a soft and sweet bed
upon the grass.

As I breathed deeply
and emptied my mind,
I began to feel as though—
if I laid there long enough—
I may melt into the ground.
With time, I may simply
grow down.
And indeed,
I would.
And for a moment,
I did.
I left my ‘self’
and became
the bed of blossoms.

I wonder about those
who speak of the hopelessness
of a life without
an afterlife
in another world.
And I wonder why
anyone would want
to leave this world.
While there is much pain
that we have created,
still there is more beauty
than we could hope to see
in our lifetimes.

As I lay silently,
breathing in the universe,
one petal came floating down
and landed softly on my cheek.
All at once, I felt
its silky softness, and
the weight of the world.

When my atoms scatter
for the final time,
I hope that some
will find their way
to a budding cherry blossom.

Free

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” - Albert Camus

I would find it equally true to change 'unfree' with 'terror-filled,' 'angry,' 'lonely.'

Things that make me happy: March 2012

It's been quite a while since my last T.T.M.M.H. updated. Please forgive me. It's not that things haven't been making me happy. It's been a busy couple months, and, well, I honestly have a hard time making myself sit down to write these things out. But here goes!

As my time is wrapping up here in Japan, I'm trying to pay even better attention to the things that make me happy, large and small. For those who don't know, I have decided to move on from Japan when my contract ends in April. The reasons are vast and diverse and best discussed over a cup of coffee or a skype date, rather than in a blog post. But overall, I am hoping to travel a bit in April and May before returning to the US in June to start the job-hunting process again (feel free to send any suggestions/leads/contacts...).


Anywho, here's what's been making me smile in- and outwardly lately:

-The coming spring! surprisingly beautiful afternoons.

-Enjoying every moment of my last weeks with the kids. I'm really going to miss some of these little humans.

-Considering travel plans. I'm not deciding anything for a while, I just like thinking about the possibilities. I am so privileged...

-The documentary "The Interrupters" about a great organization called CeaseFire in south side Chicago. It actually made me cry, but it was a good cry--reminding me what I want to do and why. Watch for free on PBS's Frontline website.

-This website: http://www.lettersofnote.com/

-Love! I got to watch my friends sign their marriage papers last week, after watching the one of them run the Tokyo marathon. It was an exciting, lovely day. I feel so lucky to know them and be a part of their lives!

-Tokyo. I continue to love the city. Marathons, Chicago-style pizza and craft beer restaurants, dancing bachata with a Japanese guy who grew up in Mexico, amazing Bohemian neighborhoods, used book stores, art museums, animated film festivals. I've never gone into the city and left disappointed. I usually leave poor, but not disappointed. For photos, check Facebook.

-New Music: The Robert Glasper Experiment--amazing hip hop with jazz, soul, funk infusions. And an amazing jazz-style cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit." And great featured artists (Lupe Fiasco, Erykah Badu, yasiin bey, Bilal, among others.) Also, the newest Bjork album, called Biophilia. I've never been a huge Bjork fan, but this has converted me. It is an amazing album.

-Other music highlights: Astro, The Roots, Wilco, Bhi Bhiman, Curumin, Los Rakas, The Weeknd.

-Eagerly awaiting new albums from: Andrew Bird, Santigold, MIA, Spoek Mathambo.

-Books: I should really write a whole post or two about this, since this is how I spend the vast majority of my time not at work (and some of it at work--break time, of course). But in the interest of your time and attention, I'll try to keep it short. PLEASE let me know if you want to discuss any or all of these more in-depth. These are from the past month or so:
---"Embracing Defeat", a book about Japan in the years right after WWII. I found it fascinating. It looks at not just political and structural effects, but the psychological, emotional, and spiritual reconstruction that took place. It has caused a TON of questions about Japanese culture then and now that my lovely friends have had to deal with with amazing grace.
---"1Q84" by Haruki Murakami. It would be hard to describe, especially briefly, how amazing this book is, and how important it has been for me. It is another amazing Murakami story, with explorations on art, writing, God, religion, love, death, family. It is an amazing book.
---"The Angel Esmerelda" by Don Delillo. This is a great book of stories that led me to buy:
---"White Noise" by Don Delillo. This novel from the 80s is an amazing look into how individual people (especially in hyper-consumeristic societies) face death, and therefore, life. How does rapidly advancing technology and knowledge and production of things change how we feel about (and ultimately, fear,) death? As anyone who reads this blog at all regularly knows, my favorite author is David Foster Wallace, who loved Delillo. And it's obvious why. And there are some definite similarities to my other favorite author, JD Salinger. All good things for me.
---In an attempt to keep variety and not get too set in a particular genre (post-modern fiction, for now), I've just started a book called "The New Jim Crow" about the way the US criminal justice system has become a system for repression of (most specifically) African American men. I just started it today, but it seems really interesting thus far.



There's so much more, of course, that makes me happy. Lots of words (usually written), smiles, breaths. I continue to learn so much, every day, about what it means to be alive. My time in Japan has been so different from anywhere else I have lived, and so being, as taught me so much more than I could have ever imagined (other than just my reluctance for bath houses...). I so look forward to continue the journey.

What's making you happy?

"Kaito-sensei...kowai!": On Being a Scary, White Lady

This week, an elementary-aged student said I looked “kowai”—scary. This was the third time I’d heard this from a student (that I could understand). The first two times, it was my light eyes that were needlessly terrifying the children. This time, it was my ‘scary hair like a witch’ that struck fear into their little English-learning hearts. And while it feels good to finally be able to surprise them by understanding their brutal honesty in Japanese (while also choosing not to think about all the other things they probably say about me that I can’t understand), I’ll admit it stings for a minute. But only a minute. Such is the joy of working with children, right? They will bring out all your insecurities (not that I was ever that insecure about my hair looking witch-like), make you confront them, and let you move on. And as a tall, white woman with piercings, tattoos, and bright red hair, I would be somewhat delusional not to expect them to notice that I look different.

As the initial sting wore off, I started to do my typical sociological analysis. (You try living abroad all the time and getting stared at like you’re a different species. I bet you’ll find yourself making the whole thing a little more abstract too.) Why do the kids find light eyes and big, curly red hair scary? I remember being told in Sri Lanka that I was “so beauty with [my] white skin and big nose!” At the time, while accepting the hilariously ironic compliment, I was also frustrated. Obviously, the influence of Western culture and its definition of beauty were incredibly strong, even in this poor, war-torn section of a relatively isolated country. Even here, these young girls were taught that beauty meant being tall with round eyes, a big nose, and—above all—white skin. So, when relating this to my current students, I’m thinking that maybe it’s a good thing that they find me scary. Maybe this means that they haven’t learned to internalize these Western, Hollywood definitions of beauty. Maybe they, with such a plethora of Japanese entertainment available to them, are able to appreciate the immense beauty that I see in the people here. While I don’t necessarily agree with all the manifestations of beauty that are promoted in Japanese culture (specifically the obsession with youth, especially in women—but this is another essay altogether), at least they are able to see beauty within their own culture and their own people.

However, I think there is another side of the issue to explore. By appreciating and respecting a more Japanese definition of beauty, are they learning to be fearful of what is different? Most people would agree that Japan is far from an “immigrant-friendly” nation. There are much worse places, of course (*cough* Arizona *cough*), but Japan definitely has a past and present of a unique type of nationalism that does not exactly encourage or welcome high levels of immigration. So, is my students’ fear of my foreign features some kind of symbol of their learning to fear all things (people) foreign? Perhaps that’s a bit of a stretch, but I think it’s worth noting. How do they learn to find those things ‘scary’ and not just ‘different’? Do most people in Japan have a reaction of ‘kowai’ when they see me?

And then, I remember the compliments I’ve gotten since I’ve been here as well. I’ve been complimented for being tall and light-skinned. I’ve been complimented for my hair color, my round eyes, and my long eyelashes. (I don’t feel too arrogant mentioning these things, since I am only responsible for one of them. As for the rest—thanks, mom and dad!) While riding on the train one morning, I was called ‘kawaii’ (cute, pretty) by a group of giggling high school girls. (Although, judging by the shocking- and rebelliously short length to which their skirts had been rolled, I suspect they may have been commenting more on the rebellious nature of my nose ring and red hair than mere ‘cute’-ness.) So, what does this mean? Perhaps the influence of a Western depiction of beauty does in fact infiltrate the culture, it just hasn’t hit my young students yet. As they grow older and have more contact with Western media, it seems they, too, learn that beauty means white skin and round, light eyes. This easily explains the growing trends of skin-lightening aesthetic treatments and eye surgeries to change color and shape. Maybe its not that Japan isn’t within the sphere of influence of Western concepts of beauty, but that it just takes more than 8 years to really imbed in the psyche. Now that I think about it, even in Sri Lanka I made a little kid burst into tears upon seeing me for the first time.

In trying to make sense of it all, I think I should take it one step further and ask: what do we in the US consider beautiful? (The very question of who we are is, again, another essay altogether. At this point, I’ll define we as those who look the most like me—white women). As white women, we generally learn that “a healthy tan” is beautiful, rather than paleness. We want to be impossibly thin, with big eyes and lips, and small noses. Skinny, dark, and doe-eyed—something almost none of us are. And what about women of color? They are traditionally taught (whether overtly or not) that they, too, are more beautiful and “desirable” with lighter skin. It’s the same with many of the women I knew in Chile and Mexico.

To attempt to pull it all together, I think that maybe it’s not as much about the exportation and internalization of Western definitions of beauty and desirability. Perhaps it’s nothing more than greener grass—wanting what you don’t have. Maybe it’s more the case that everyone is just looking to others and wanting what they have—basing our definitions of beauty on whatever we don’t see in the mirror. Of course, this is not true for all women. And hopefully, it’s not true for most. As I think of my two nieces—both so beautiful, but in such distinct ways—I hope this is not always the case. But I readily admit that I have all too often become entranced by the beautiful women of Latin America and Asia, longing for their dark features and tiny waistlines. But I guess, like all things, it’s a matter of balance—learning to see the beauty in others without denigrating your own beauty. And always, we must continue to question why it is we think the things we do, and the ways in which they influences our relationships with others and the world around us.

In an effort to end on a less cheesy, “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy” sort of way, I want to mention that I plan to use my “kowai”-ness to it’s fullest potential as long as I’m teaching here in Japan. I’m learning to which kids I can give a quick, intense, wide-eyed stare to get them to quiet down, rather than a harsh word. And maybe for the real troublemakers, I’ll tell them that if they don’t behave, I’ll have my boyfriend come in to ‘discipline’ them—and then show them a picture of the guy from the movie Powder.